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Things You Shouldn't Say Out Loud - Issue 11

I told myself that maybe I had never been happier but I knew that was a lie; but it sounds good, doesn’t it?

To say it, to pretend like you believe it.

Is it normal to look back on every relationship, or an almost relationship, and think that you will never feel those butterflies again? I often think the butterflies I’ve felt weren’t the romantic kind. It was the ‘holy s*** do they still like me as much as they say they do’ kind, or ‘I think I may be ruining this’ kind. Feeling butterflies isn’t something I should be looking for anymore. Maybe I am the butterfly because I’m always flying around to whomever has peaked my interest at the time, whoever has a cute face and feels like a good time. I’m learning to be more stable the older I’m getting, to handle the affairs of my heart in a more grounded way. To just f ***** stay and try to work it out with who I’m with. I’m in this relationship now after being single for an embarrassingly amount of time and it has been challenging, to say the least. I like a challenge but f***. This past, almost, year that we have been official has made me question if partnership is for me. Am I cut out for this? I wasn’t told all this work would have to be put in - isn’t love supposed to be easy? I know it’s also work but exactly how much work, to make it work? I hated being single but I hate being in a relationship too sometimes.

These are all things that you shouldn’t admit or say aloud. I’m in a position where I want more than anything for this relationship to work, without compromising the relationship I have with myself. I think sometimes that’s the tricky part, being vulnerable and available while in love and not forgetting yourself in the process. It can be done, it has been done. You don’t have to be by yourself to love yourself and that’s the part that I’m figuring out. I romanticise my single life while in a partnership and romanticise a partnership when I’m single. The truth is, nothing is better or more worthwhile, they each have perks and struggles. The consistency comes in deeply knowing that and being in the moment, regardless if you’re single or spoken for. I once heard Drew Barrymore say she’s really good at being herself and I think that’s the key, become so good at being you that you’re grounded in your identity and can’t lose yourself in the process of loving anyone else.

Words By Fallon


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